Back to the Routine

Well, today was the day that both of us had pretty much been dreading since the minute Nicholas was born--dropping him off at a sitter's house.

Leah's 6 weeks were up, and she received clearance last week to return to work this week. Yesterday was a holiday, so today was the first day of her work week. In addition, the tellers have to be there earlier than normal following a holiday because of more things to do and count and such since they weren't open for business the day before. What does all this mean? Mommy went straight to work, and Daddy got to take the little man to his new daytime home.

I must say that it was tougher than I thought it would be. Even though I was driving a different route, and I knew that Nicholas was in the back seat, I don't think my heart really got the memo. It really and truly didn't kick in until I turned into the subdivision. Yes, we've left him with someone for more than 8-10 hours before, but this just seemed different. I thought about how the morning routine is now forever changed....I guess after time it will be the "norm", but for now it seems weird. We're now committed to a whole new set of expenses in the form of childcare. I wonder how that's gonna affect our checkbook. All these things were running through my mind as I drove the few extra miles to the sitter's house.

Obviously this morning's introduction won't occur every day--she asked if he slept on his back or tummy, and things like that. I told her that he doesn't have to have warm formula (room temperature is OK), he likes sleeping on his side, and it's perfectly OK to lay him down and let him fall asleep on his own. She will soon learn his personality and all of his little signals, quirks, and nuances. But it felt like I was trying to sum up the last 6 weeks of experience in a short, 5-minute introduction to our son. Leah and I feel like we have an "easy" baby--he isn't hard to please and as long as he's clean/dry and full, he's pretty low-maintenance and not hard to please. She said that it seems like she's gotten lucky with all of these easy-to-care-for babies, and I hope that she still agrees with that in about 6 month's time.

So after all the introductions and instructions came the hard part: leaving. I guess I kinda figured that my masculinity would trump fatherhood, and that I'd "be a man" and walk casually out of the door. Well, parenthood does funny things to your emotions, I've learned. As she held him, I leaned over and kissed him on the head like I had done 30 times (at least) this morning already. I told him I loved him and that his mommy would pick him up later, as if he could understand every syllable. I was fighting back tears at that point, and I knew I had to leave. Today is the hardest, I told myself, because from now on, I'll have the experience of having done it before. I walked out of the door and started the short journey to my truck which seemed like it was a mile long. I had a very short, but very sad cry. I was leaving our baby. All along, we knew it was coming. But nothing can ever prepare you for it. I can hardly wait until he's old enough to understand where he's going, and maybe even look forward to his little set of friends that he'll have over there. And that the reason he's going there is because Mom and Dad have to work in order to pay for our house with his room and his jungle gym with slide and a little pool to splash around when it's hot. Those conversations are a long ways off, I know. But for now, I just hope that he understands, isn't too shocked by his new surroundings, and knows how very, very much Leah and I adore and love him.

2005 - Looking Back

Today, Nicholas is 6 weeks old. Wow. 6 weeks ago at this very moment, I was beginning what would be the most excruciatingly painful, yet one of the most joyous, days of my entire life. Let's see, at 8:00AM, Leah's water had been broken, and that's about it.

Anyway, I started thinking about the ups and downs of last year. Yes, we had a precious baby boy, but there was so much to the story beyond that. Of course, people always ask you soon after walking down the aisle, "So...when are you gonna have a baby?" Leah's mom joked that she was gonna bring a pregnancy test to the airport when she and my mom picked us up from our flight home from our honeymoon. But behind the scenes, we were trying. Without success. We changed doctors. At one point (in '04, actually) we thought we were pregnant, only to be told that Leah probably had some sort of hormone condition that was preventing it. Then after bloodwork, we were told that she didn't have it (she really did, we would later find out). Hmm, maybe our timing was just off. "Just quit trying," everyone says. Well, sooner or later, the questions get more and more repetitive--"When are you gonna have a baby?" While you really don't wanna play the martyr and say stuff like, "Well, we're doing the best we can" or "We're having problems, if you wanna know the truth," the reality of it is, that IS the truth. But here is a snapshot of the last year and a half or so, and why Nicholas's arrival was that much more of a blessing.

Aug '04 - Leah thinks she might be pregnant. I go to the doctor with her, all the while thinking, "Wow...In a few minutes, I might hear the words that's gonna change my life." A jillion things went through my mind that day--until I hear the word, "No." They also tell Leah that she might have something called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome--basically a condition that can affect hormones, your cycle, fertility, and even your appearance. PCOS is the most common hormone-related reproductive problem in women, according to the U.S Department of Health and Human Services website. Anyway, the doctor's office later informs her that her bloodwork is normal, and that everything is A-OK.

Sept - Dec '04 - We are trying to count days, make estimates, etc. and really thinking that we're gonna be parents soon. In December, Kristi finds out that she's pregnant. Uh oh, how's Leah gonna take this?

Jan '05 - After getting fed up with unreturned calls and basically an unresponsive staff, Leah's changes doctor's groups. Not just doctors--she now changes to a different set of OB/GYN's entirely. Dr. Bannister says something like, "Well, it's like this. You have something called PCOS. Your chances of conceiving on your own are about 1%." Wait a minute, weren't we told 4-5 months ago that she DIDN'T have this?!?! Suddenly, it feels like those other nincompoops have stolen 5 months from us by misdiagnosing this. Also, Leah's friend and co-worker, Stacy, finds out that she's pregnant. Uh oh, how much more of this can Leah take? The pain of unsuccess had to find of facade of happiness and elation for two people that Leah was very close to. January is also when I started this blog, unbeknownst to Leah or anyone else. On January 3rd, 2005, I penned these words: For now, we must have faith that [God] alone, in His infinite wisdom, will bless us when he sees fit.

Feb '05 - Fertility meds start, but they don't increase the level enough for Dr. Bannister's liking. She wants to increase the dose.

March '05 - Hormone level is great, which means conditions are favorable (sounds like I'm predicting snow, doesn't it?!) At the end of the month (I think it was the 30th), Leah takes a pregnancy test. The first, main, test line is there. There is a VERY faint 2nd line that you almost can't read. Of course, we're not sure what to think. Actually, I think we weren't optimistic. Shouldn't it be more distinct? Maybe it's a glitch in the test. OK, maybe there's a chance, but we doubt it.

April '05 - Another test a couple of days later. We show it to Joe and Kristi, the old veterans at this point, to get their opinion. They pretty much say, "Dude...You're there. The kick is up....and it's GOOD!!!" OK, they didn't say that. I think that's pretty much when we starting thinking that it was real. Another test 2 days later, and the line has gotten darker. Guarded optimism and excitement set in. Doctor's appointment confirms everything, and we host a celebratory cookout at our house for the grandparents-to-be.

July '05 - Ultrasound--It's a boy!!

October '05 - Bring on the showers! Baby showers, that is.

November '05 - Nicholas arrives.

Obviously a lot of this, from positive test on, is detailed more in this blog. But in case you joined this blog late in the game, or perhaps didn't have any idea, I just wanted to share. Not to say, "Poor me," but maybe if I ever gave an impersonal, pithy response when you asked, "So, when are you'll gonna have a baby?" then that's why. One of the hardest things to do was put on a happy face and say something like "I don't know...we're trying" but wanting so much to go through an in-depth explanation about why the results weren't there. But that was never an option, really. An innocent question shouldn't get a guilt-inducing response. But the journey was a tough one. Actually, the same could be said for both Kristi and Stacy. So not only was childbirth a miracle for the 3 of them, but it was the end of a hard, emotion-affecting road. God has truly blessed our 3 families, that's for sure.

Thank you, Lord, for blessing us. For showing us the true picture of unconditional love by giving us someone who, according to you, is made in your image. Your expanse of heaven loaned the earth 3 very dear angels on August 17, September 15, and November 21, and for that, I know 6 people that are eternally thankful.