2005 - Looking Back

Today, Nicholas is 6 weeks old. Wow. 6 weeks ago at this very moment, I was beginning what would be the most excruciatingly painful, yet one of the most joyous, days of my entire life. Let's see, at 8:00AM, Leah's water had been broken, and that's about it.

Anyway, I started thinking about the ups and downs of last year. Yes, we had a precious baby boy, but there was so much to the story beyond that. Of course, people always ask you soon after walking down the aisle, "So...when are you gonna have a baby?" Leah's mom joked that she was gonna bring a pregnancy test to the airport when she and my mom picked us up from our flight home from our honeymoon. But behind the scenes, we were trying. Without success. We changed doctors. At one point (in '04, actually) we thought we were pregnant, only to be told that Leah probably had some sort of hormone condition that was preventing it. Then after bloodwork, we were told that she didn't have it (she really did, we would later find out). Hmm, maybe our timing was just off. "Just quit trying," everyone says. Well, sooner or later, the questions get more and more repetitive--"When are you gonna have a baby?" While you really don't wanna play the martyr and say stuff like, "Well, we're doing the best we can" or "We're having problems, if you wanna know the truth," the reality of it is, that IS the truth. But here is a snapshot of the last year and a half or so, and why Nicholas's arrival was that much more of a blessing.

Aug '04 - Leah thinks she might be pregnant. I go to the doctor with her, all the while thinking, "Wow...In a few minutes, I might hear the words that's gonna change my life." A jillion things went through my mind that day--until I hear the word, "No." They also tell Leah that she might have something called Polycystic Ovary Syndrome--basically a condition that can affect hormones, your cycle, fertility, and even your appearance. PCOS is the most common hormone-related reproductive problem in women, according to the U.S Department of Health and Human Services website. Anyway, the doctor's office later informs her that her bloodwork is normal, and that everything is A-OK.

Sept - Dec '04 - We are trying to count days, make estimates, etc. and really thinking that we're gonna be parents soon. In December, Kristi finds out that she's pregnant. Uh oh, how's Leah gonna take this?

Jan '05 - After getting fed up with unreturned calls and basically an unresponsive staff, Leah's changes doctor's groups. Not just doctors--she now changes to a different set of OB/GYN's entirely. Dr. Bannister says something like, "Well, it's like this. You have something called PCOS. Your chances of conceiving on your own are about 1%." Wait a minute, weren't we told 4-5 months ago that she DIDN'T have this?!?! Suddenly, it feels like those other nincompoops have stolen 5 months from us by misdiagnosing this. Also, Leah's friend and co-worker, Stacy, finds out that she's pregnant. Uh oh, how much more of this can Leah take? The pain of unsuccess had to find of facade of happiness and elation for two people that Leah was very close to. January is also when I started this blog, unbeknownst to Leah or anyone else. On January 3rd, 2005, I penned these words: For now, we must have faith that [God] alone, in His infinite wisdom, will bless us when he sees fit.

Feb '05 - Fertility meds start, but they don't increase the level enough for Dr. Bannister's liking. She wants to increase the dose.

March '05 - Hormone level is great, which means conditions are favorable (sounds like I'm predicting snow, doesn't it?!) At the end of the month (I think it was the 30th), Leah takes a pregnancy test. The first, main, test line is there. There is a VERY faint 2nd line that you almost can't read. Of course, we're not sure what to think. Actually, I think we weren't optimistic. Shouldn't it be more distinct? Maybe it's a glitch in the test. OK, maybe there's a chance, but we doubt it.

April '05 - Another test a couple of days later. We show it to Joe and Kristi, the old veterans at this point, to get their opinion. They pretty much say, "Dude...You're there. The kick is up....and it's GOOD!!!" OK, they didn't say that. I think that's pretty much when we starting thinking that it was real. Another test 2 days later, and the line has gotten darker. Guarded optimism and excitement set in. Doctor's appointment confirms everything, and we host a celebratory cookout at our house for the grandparents-to-be.

July '05 - Ultrasound--It's a boy!!

October '05 - Bring on the showers! Baby showers, that is.

November '05 - Nicholas arrives.

Obviously a lot of this, from positive test on, is detailed more in this blog. But in case you joined this blog late in the game, or perhaps didn't have any idea, I just wanted to share. Not to say, "Poor me," but maybe if I ever gave an impersonal, pithy response when you asked, "So, when are you'll gonna have a baby?" then that's why. One of the hardest things to do was put on a happy face and say something like "I don't know...we're trying" but wanting so much to go through an in-depth explanation about why the results weren't there. But that was never an option, really. An innocent question shouldn't get a guilt-inducing response. But the journey was a tough one. Actually, the same could be said for both Kristi and Stacy. So not only was childbirth a miracle for the 3 of them, but it was the end of a hard, emotion-affecting road. God has truly blessed our 3 families, that's for sure.

Thank you, Lord, for blessing us. For showing us the true picture of unconditional love by giving us someone who, according to you, is made in your image. Your expanse of heaven loaned the earth 3 very dear angels on August 17, September 15, and November 21, and for that, I know 6 people that are eternally thankful.